Sometimes Self-Care Sucks

When we hear the word self-care we often think of nature walks, bubble baths, pedicures, massages, wine while reading a favorite book. Yes, please to all of that! Those activities are fantastic examples of self-care. However, self-care is not always rainbows and roses and fancy nails and massages. Plainly put, sometimes self-care sucks.

In order to better understand the dark side of self-care, let us define what self-care is.

Self-care: loving and respecting yourself enough to prioritize your own well-being.

Prioritizing your own well-being is not the same as doing things that always make you feel good. Therefore, in addition to massages and naps, self-care also looks like grocery shopping, budgeting, working out, prioritizing sleep, saying no to someone’s request. Self-care is being willing to have a difficult conversation with someone you care about. Self-care looks like getting up early and working out even when you're tired. Self-care means NOT buying the adorable shoes even though you REALLY deserve them, but can’t afford them right now. The list goes on. I’d argue that on any given day, this list makes me more uncomfortable and avoidant of those tasks, more than it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. And yet, participating in the tasks I’ve listed are arguably all examples in which we prioritize our well-being...the definition of self-care!

The other dark side of self-care is sometimes it is used as an excuse to let ourselves off the hook instead of holding ourselves accountable for actually caring for ourselves. When we are overwhelmed and stressed instead of going to bed early we binge watch Netflix until the wee small hours of the night. We drink a bottle of wine, instead of a glass because we’ve had a long week. We buy the new car we really want because we work hard and deserve it, even though it goes beyond the means of our budget. All of these things can feel really good in the moment, but are they really good for us in the long run?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not speaking from on high, but from way down in the trenches. I have participated in many of these seemingly “self-care” tactics too. But with awareness, I can step back and see that some of my “self-care” choices are more about “self-sabotage." I can see that by participating in these choices it's just me avoiding the things I really need to do because they bring me discomfort in the moment.

My point in sharing all of this is to really shine the light of awareness that if self-care is about prioritizing our well-being then it also has to be about being truthful with ourselves about what we really need and what needs to be prioritized for our greater good.

Self-care can be wonderful and enjoyable and luxurious, but I believe it’s equally, if not more about showing up for ourselves and choosing to do hard things so we can live our best, most authentic lives.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Susan Weiss Berry that I share with my students and clients.

"With every act of self-care your authentic self gets stronger, and the fearful, critical mind gets weaker. Every act of self-care is a powerful declaration:
'I am on my side. I am on my side, each day I am more on my own side."

I am on my side. I am on your side too.